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The Middle Road Brings True Happiness

September 11, 2010

via esabet

I feel like I might actually be finding balance in my life- I’m finding that it doesn’t have to be an “on or off” thing.  I’ve been through all the extremes- from fast food binges tinged with cocktails to stretches of 100% raw vegan food, no sugar, no alcohol, yoga and spiritual books… All my friends know my back and forth struggles. When I’ve visited friends I’ve brought twizzlers and doritos to watch a fight, and I’ve brought my own packaged salad to Easter dinner so as not to stray from my diet… both a little much, I know. So I’ve been working on having a cookie and then having a salad, and getting gently back to trying, rather than flip flopping back and forth so violently. I tend to beat myself up, and I’ve realized that this negativity towards my imperfections is not serving me, it’s holding me back.

I have good reasons for getting back at trying to make mental, physical and spiritual in earnest. At work, I was recently passed up for a a promotion, largely because of my energy not being high enough. That was a blow- I’m always working on having positive energy. But I know that in the business world it has to do with having tenacity, getting things done, being strong and confident, communicating effectively and breaking through obstacles. I know that I haven’t been taking care of  my body and spirit in the ways I should. I’ve been sleeping irregularly, slacking on exercise and yoga, indulging too much in computer/tv time, and getting lazy about food and cooking. I know that maybe if I had been working hard in all the aspects of my life, I might have been in a better position at work! I would have felt better about myself, held my head higher, and known that I can be a leader. I would have shown that I’m a lion, not a little lamb.

I’m thankful for this wake-up call, and now I know there’s no time to waste. You’re either striving to get better, or allowing yourself to get worse. In the words of Norman Walker in one of his books I was reading this morning: “Everything of domestic joy or occupational success must be built of body wholesomeness and vitality.” I have known for a long time that success at life has to be holistic, but I know it now more than ever. And still, honestly I’m struggling. I’ve been so tired lately as a result of not taking care of my body and emotions. I am seeing the positives as much as I can and I’m trying not to take it to personal, but I couldn’t just pretend it doesn’t hurt. I’m already so critical of my self. I’ve been working really hard in a lot of areas in my life, and even though it’s a necessary step to getting better, it’s also hard to hear that you aren’t good enough, that you need to work so much harder still.

So, it’s time to find that motivation. It’s time to be grateful for what I have, what I’ve already attracted and accomplished. I’m being patient with my body and spirit right now as I transition back to healthier living. I’m allowing myself naps as needed, but soon, I want to be the ball of energy I previously was. I can’t let this take energy from me, I need to use it as fuel to jump higher. I am thankful that I have great support. I know that my coworkers truly believe in me, and I’m working on forgiving myself for letting them down. I haven’t wanted to really talk about it too much- when I complain, it doesn’t really help anyone. I feel bad after I put my negativity onto someone else (sorry about that car ride, Badi!), but it’s also been hard holding it in. This is one area I’m really working on in yoga and exercise. Letting out that tension and unhappiness, letting it go and feeling better. I’m also working on communicating honestly, with logic and not emotion.

…Ok I had saved that draft and am picking up the next day! I’ve already felt so much opening in my heart and mind, and success in my efforts. What I’ve decided today is that I am going to transition back into health, but I am not going to add labels and impose rules. A goal of 100% raw food forever was setting myself up for failure, let’s be real. I have discipline, but I am also human. I am going to eat healthy foods as much as I can, make fresh juices and work on my positive energy through movement and meditation. But if I mess up, it’s ok. This is the middle road. I have two feet which alternate steps, and there might be rocks I have to step over or around. One day at a time, I will be getting better and better. Mistakes are making me stronger, and I will always try to remember that ultimately, it is about happiness. It is about how I feel and the happiness that I bring to others. When I don’t feel well or don’t feel good about myself, it hurts my ability to show who I am. I am cultivating the courage to be me.

I am happy with this gentle non-decision. I feel free and motivated, rather than stuck and afraid to make a mistake. I will make mistakes. I will feel pain and suffering. But I can’t let fear stand in my way. I will do my best and also accept my failures as guides, reminders to get back to the middle road.

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