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Damn wagon. On or off?

July 30, 2010

I guess I like to just joyride on the wagon, hop onto the side, hootin and hollerin, arms flailing, until I get bucked off by some bump in the road and decide to just lay there for a while laughing before I brush myself off and climb back on. I’ve done this, oh a bout a million times. I’m sure a lot of you can relate. I’m just not sure exactly why it happens. I’ve tried everything. I’ve started to refer to my diet as “the endless experiment.”

I know when I eat natural mostly raw foods I feel great. I know when I combine foods the right way, it really helps the way I feel as well…

Why is that simple knowledge not enough? I can’t remember that and do that all the time? I know I need balance, but it it so hard!! So leading up to the wedding I let my stress get to me and started eating whatever I felt like. People were in town wanting to celebrate and I wanted to let loose and celebrate too. There was one night Joel and I were so stressed, we were in agreement that food was the only thing that was going to make us feel better. Why must our brains be wired this way? Our generous families bought all the food and drinks for the wedding, and our amazing selfless friends prepared and served it for us. We saved hundreds of dollars doing it this way, and somehow we still have leftover food from the wedding, enough to last days. Too many days. Turkey wraps, veggie wraps, and pasta salad, chips and salsa, red wine. That’s what we’ve been eating for the last week. Needless to say, I don’t want to waste food and throw money down the drain, but I also can’t eat any more pasta salad.

Further confessions. Today at work I ate some oreos. Ugh. Afterward I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home. I was eating them laughing at myself, thinking facetiously “wow, this is going to be great for the blood sugar” And yet still I ate them, and of course it was so regrettable. I just had some more pasta salad and feel like taking a nap. OH AND we had leftover soda pop and I was drinking them thinking well, they’re nice for a bit and then they’ll be gone, no big deal. So today I went to grab one and they were gone! I looked all over, searched the fridge, looked in all the cupboards, and then thought “Maybe we can just get a few more.” And then I realized- I am already addicted, in less than a week. I want that soda so bad right now! I haven’t had one in quite some time and the first one was so delicious! I just can’t believe how badly I struggle with this, but I guess most people do. It’s not just a matter of fitness and weight, though that is an issue- I feel so chubby and gross, though my weight is stable as all my muscle is just melting into fat. That sucks, seeing myself in the mirrors when I walk by them at work- what I see and feel are often two different things. Feeling the pants too tight, feeling the arms getting flabby- whatever, I know I can get back to working out and being more lean. But the day-to-day feelings are the worst. The tiredness, the inability to puts words together that come out of my mouth that make any sense!! This one is super annoying, especially when I’m at work and I can’t think and get words out to save my life. These “symptoms” are not acceptable.

Right now I’m totally off the wagon but trying to swing my leg over the side and get in but it won’t stop moving! I’ve gone into that place where I’m eating anything and everything. I even had some drinks the other night. (BTW if you’ve never had a Sexy Alligator, I recommend it!)

Sexy Alligator

I had lots of leftover wine and tried some Fat Tire from our keg. Each time I thought it would make me feel fun and light and sexy… nope, opposite. I did want to keep drinking because the buzz was fun for a little while, but by the time I get enough to keep me buzzed, I’ve had so much I just want to sleep and feel gross. This reminded me of Philip McCluskey of LovingRaw and his book The World’s Sexiest Diet which I’ve been wanting to buy for a while. I think it’s time. I’m still on my “honeymoon” even if I am still at home and already started back to work! I need to feel light and airy and lovely. Pasta salad, oreos and pepsi are not exactly helping. Plus, all I want is fast food right now- tacos, pizza, hamburgers- oh, and candy, ice cream, and cookies, which is when I know its gotten bad. And no, I’m not pregnant but I’m very scared for the cravings that will happen someday when I am!!

I’m cleaning out the fridge as soon as I finish this blog, taking the extra food to work or throwing it out, and going shopping for fresh new food. I know the back and forth isn’t the greatest way, but I know it’s better than not trying at all. I accept that this might not be the last time ever I eat bad food, but I am recommitted to being aware of how my body and mind feel and doing my best to be at my best as much of the time as possible and minimizing the time that I’m feeling affected by poor choices. That’s the best I can do.


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